Rohya

Imagine you walk into a bookstore. There are three floors to the building, and thousands of books to choose from. When the attendant asks you what you’re looking for, you respond with a shrug: “I don’t know, something in fiction”. You peruse through each section aimlessly, your eyes scanning some titles but skipping many others. Sometimes you’ll pick up a book and flick through it, only to place it back on the shelf because you saw another more eye-catching cover. Two hours later you may have some options in your head, but you can’t decide. Eventually you leave the store empty handed.

Dating apps for woman are not much different. When any human being is offered so much choice, the brain naturally picks out metrics and characteristics to filter from. Is he tall? Is he rich? Is he good looking? What cloths is he wearing? Does he have friends? The list goes on.

The result? Women become picky. Why? Because they can.

The majority of men, on the other hand, suffer from the opposite problem. Instead of having too much choice, they have too little choice. Psychologically, they know that their fellow males will swipe right on the majority of woman they come across. They are also well aware that getting a match is hard, so instead of being picky and looking for qualities they find attractive, they decide to swipe right on most of the woman they see.

The result? Men indiscriminately like most/all woman. Why? Because they want to maximise the chances of getting a match.

Of course, you cannot generalise the human population so cleanly. There are some men that are objectively very attractive. They need only download a dating app and casually upload a few shoddy pictures to get a cascade of daily matches from women eager to meet them.

Why are women depressed?

Anyone reading this should have realised by now that the writer is male. As such this write apologises in advance for any (unintended) mischaracterisations about women.

Having so many options is a good thing, right?

No, not really. I would argue that men and women were happier pre-dating apps (and social media) than now. Why? Because when humans lived in a little village or town where they knew perhaps a few hundred, or maybe even a few thousand people, comparisons were not as stark. But today, living in the age of instagram and tiktok, comparisons can be made incessantly. Your boyfriend is 5’10? Look at this girl, her guy is 6’2. Is he working at a consultancy? Mine works in investment banking!

The above examples are hyperbole, and you may (perhaps correctly) refute these statements in your specific case. However, humans (like any animal) have an unconscious proclivity to comparing their status in society against others. Think about your social groups. Do you not monitor how you dress versus the other girls? How good you look versus the others in pictures? Or how many friends you have, or the kind of job you have compared to others? In the same vein, is it not natural to compare/contrast partners or dating prospects?

This brings me to another salient point: Men are capable of far greater harm to women than vice versa. As a result, women are incredibly careful and cautious when dating, whereas Men can be the opposite. Any average women who has dated around will have some horror stories, about some man who intimidated or scared her in some way. Such events can weigh deeply on a person’s psyche and can scare them off from dating apps.

The end result is that women become tired of using dating apps, meeting “unremarkable” and “boring” men, or worse.

Why are men depressed?

Going on a dating app, and swiping right on many women, yet getting few matches – on a daily basis – can hurt any man’s self esteem and pride. Men are also expected to send the first message, to start the conversation, and to ask the girl out. Dating is also not cheap. The man is expected to pay for at least the first date (ignoring the many women who expect the man to pay for everything on every date). These sorts of expenses can add up, particularly for someone who doesn’t have a high paying job.

Men suffer from the same issues as the ones described for women; the compare and despair epidemic where they inevitably compare their date/girlfriend to people they see on instagram/tiktok.

The end result is men who are depressed about their lack of matches/dates, and become tired of the apps they use.

What is the solution?

Everything in life is connected. If you don’t eat and drink well, it may discourage you from exercising. A lack of exercise may make you feel lazy and prevent you from doing work properly. Guilt from lack of working may dissuade you from going out with friends. Not going out with friends may prevent you from building more social connections, making you feel lonely. Loneliness may make you far more irritable, reducing your patience to do work, to clean your home, to patiently use dating apps.

You’re probably reading the above and wondering – “why is this guy rambling?”

The truth is, to solve the issue of dating apps and the depression it causes, the solution is to spend less time on them. Why? Because you, as a single person, cannot change the social dynamics of dating apps. What you can change, however, is your attitude and approach.

Commit to opening the dating app for 15 minutes every day (or less if you prefer). Outside of this, ensure that you go out with friends, pursue meaningful work, find hobbies you like, and get on with the rest of your life. Meeting people in real life is superior than sitting at home and hoping for the dating app to finally work. Chances are if it hasn’t worked until now, it probably won’t be any better going forward. “Maybe my pictures could be better”, “these prompts might be lame”, “maybe the next guy I meet will be the one” etc are simply the brain’s way of rationalising the time you’ve already lost. The truth is attractive people put very little effort into their profiles and still get tonnes of matches. By that logic, if you didn’t have much success now, tweaking one picture or prompt will probably not change much.

Instead your time is better spent on enjoying other parts of your life, and keeping dating apps as a minor commitment (max 15 minutes) everyday. This may enable you to be more substantive when using the app, and prevent burn out.